Pride

I have never really considered myself a proud person, but I really hate asking for help with anything. I am a very independent person. I like to do things for myself. I get really surprised when people offer to help me when I haven't even mentioned that I need help.

I had to break down and ask for help in several areas in the last month or so. I honestly think that part of my transition between jobs was about teaching me to accept help and to break my pride in not asking.

I feel like when I have to ask for help, that somehow I have failed in that particular area in my life. I hold myself to absolutely ridiculous standards sometimes. Just like the class I am teaching for the first time, I expected to be able to go in and teach like all of the experienced instructors I have had in my education. That has not happened at all. I have problems keeping them the whole allotted time (which I have to do), finding things interesting enough to say in the allotted time, and engaging with the students. I felt like they found me boring and uninteresting, and I felt the judgment and almost broke down in class. I expected to be perfect and I wasn't and I dissappointed myself.

I feel like this was pride taking over. I have been relatively good in the activities (whether work or play) I have participated in and I feel like when I am not immediately good at a particular activity that I have failed, and that is absolutely ridiculous. Where did I get these standards for myself? I would never impose these on anyone else. I was told over and over it was going to be hard. My thoughts were, “I can handle hard. I can do it. No problem. I am accustomed to hard work.”

Truth is, I can do it. I am not perfect. I will mess up. I will fail. This semester is my first and I will make plenty of mistakes. That I need to be taking notes of what I have messed up on and fix it later.

Truth is, I have a problem with pride I really didn't realize I had, until I was reduced to tears asking for help in a situation feeling like a failure. Pride goeth before a fall, and I felt like I had definitely fell. It really just hit me a couple of days ago why I felt like I had failed at life. I thought I had everything figured out, that I could do everything myself and without any help. How wrong I was.

What are you struggling with today? Are you feeling like you have failed because your standards for yourself are too high?