This post is just some raw feelings. I actually wrote it a couple days ago and still feel this way today, but over the weekend I realized that I am blessed even though I am single. I don't feel as depressed as this sounds like I did, but I am sure that will come back. But for the time being, I am trying to focus on the positive and just trust God and praise Him for the blessings I do have.
I long for a husband. I find myself lonely a lot these days wishing I had that mate whom I could spend the rest of my days with. I realize I am supposed to trust God and wait in Him but that is so hard. I told myself I would not look for another guy to try to fix the hurt that came from someone close to me who I never thought would hurt me, but since I told myself that I have had two former relationships (however brief they were) get in contact with me. While nothing serious has happened from these talks, it still reminds me that I am lonely. I also wonder if it is a trick to get my mind off of God to try to pursue either of these guys. There has got to be someone special out there for me, who will treat me different than previous relationships. I want to be able to trust my heart with someone and have him trust me the same way and merge our live together and serve the Lord together.
I feel like I am being punished for doing the right thing while those around me get to be happy because they were dishonest and willing to hurt others to be together. Everyone has been telling me I need to get married and they just don't understand that I haven't found the right one yet. I thought I knew who it was and then he hurt me, and I then I thought I found him again, but I have never met him in person just on Facebook and while I admire him and his work I just don't see how that could work since he lives across the state (but stranger things have happened. my brother met his wife in Oklahoma.) and I know I tend to rush God and that gets me in trouble, but I have to be the worst in the world at waiting.
I get told all the time that I am beautiful and pretty (and I have a pretty decent self esteem but it is still nice to hear), but it seems like the only guys that are interested in me, are only interested in sleeping with me, and I have decided that I deserve so much more than to just get used physically. and then sometimes I think, if I did let myself then at least I would be with someone.
I have always wanted to adopt but I always wanted to do it with someone and build a family. I always wanted someone to even out my weaknesses with their strengths and the other way around. I know there are perks to being to single, but right now all I see is the loneliness. I am at that stage of life where everyone I went to school with , and all my friends are getting married and having kids and I want that too. I want someone to share holidays with joint families.
The older I get the more I have a hard time waiting because I feel like my age will keep me from getting married. I know in my head that it won't but I am in a culture when everyone gets married young because that is when we are physically at our best. My parents also married young and I always thought I would too. Now I am seeing how wrong I was. I read a lot of blogs where most of them are wives and moms and most of them are my age or younger and that really doesn't help. I have heard over and over when the time is right God will send the right one along, but most of the time the people saying this are the ones who are already happily married and it really doesn't help that much. I started this blog to try to help single women like me, but I don't see where I can help if I still have all of these feelings that it doesn't seem like I can control. Maybe it is just helping someone because I am going through this with them.